Glow

Driving on the highway in Quebec, I see the sunset reflecting orange on a building and I think it might be the most beautiful thing I’ve seen. 

Remember me like this:

I was surprisingly nice on the street today. I smiled at people, usually I only smile at garbage men and the homeless. I even let a car go. I never let cars go. The medication must be working.
It’s a beautiful day but this city means nothing to me.
You have “no” written all over you and you never wanted to think about me again for years. It personally destroyed me. I wanted to kill myself in Ottawa. I wanted to kill myself in Toronto, too, but cars yield to pedestrians and the world goes on another fuckin’ day. I am crying in the back of a cab. I thought I could lose you a thousand times over but I was wrong.
Driving in a car and I’m pretty sure I want us to die. The Gatineau hills roll in the distance. My nightmares are of lakes full of sharks. We burned our hospital bracelets. Spent all day taking things for granted, including you.
I went somewhere today. But I completely forget where I went. I guess we’ll never know.
You are what I don’t want to write about, you liar. He couldn’t have done it without me. The precision and grace in which I was fucking with you was noteworthy.
“We’ll be happy in no time,” I say, as we do another line. Tell yourself you won’t be high forever.
I made a list of reasons to live. Brace yourself for impact: he is in love with another girl. This swallows me. How silly of it for me, to imagine what it would be like if he were in love with me instead.
She will make you pay. But not with money. Can you afford it?
I don’t want to waste my film on you. That’s when it occurred to me: life is the saddest thing. Passed out under an overpass, one day she’s going to have to deal with it. Lying there with you made everything seem okay. I get night terrors if I think about you now. Remember me like this: wanting you. Love like it’s easy. Do you ever miss a version of yourself you abandoned? “I knew you would come back to me,” he said, “I just didn’t know when.” I was 20 when I found out love was a gyp, so why did I continue to chase it blindly? People will never forget how you made them feel.

Julia's party

When I got there, I knocked on the door. No one answered. I knew they might be in the backyard so I traipsed around the side of the house and saw them all. I walked up to Julia. My hair was cut now, it had been so long since I'd seen her. She didn't know about Jesse, my dead boyfriend, about how he overdosed and died in my bathtub, about anything. It was almost safe. We embraced. There were children running around with water balloons, a plastic blue pool. We threw the dog the ball into it and he chased it and I tried to get a picture. Julia and I hung out in the bathroom while she was getting ready, doing her make-up. I watched from the toilet. She talked about her new husband, how they got engaged and they're moving to Hawaii. It was her birthday. Later, Kel arrived.

 
She was the life of the party. She hugged everyone and everyone hugged her. Kel has always been popular. We talked about how we hid Brenda's bike in the tree that one time we stole it from her. It was good to catch up, it was the first time we'd been at a party together in our entire lives. Which is odd, seeing as we sort of knew the same people in high school. Misty was sitting with her tattoos, blonde and loud in the corner. She said my name. I liked her. She said her pets might be cooked by the time she got home, because it was hot and she lived in a small apartment. Kel and I talked into the evening. All day, I had one mixed drink that Julia made with soda and syrup. I was driving home.

 
When things got more personal and rowdy, I left. I wish I’d taken more pictures of the sprawling yard, the chainlink fence, the kids and their denim shorts. The memory seemed sufficient enough. The long summer days twist into nighttime and I disappear into the car, start the engine, and take off into the black parking lot.

Patterns & schedules

I like patterns. I like calendars and schedules and plans. I like distance and space. I want my creativity to be the centre of my life. I want my projects to flourish, my habits to develop, and my craft to sharpen. I want ideas and hobbies. I want art to be filled into the places I’m missing pieces in. If anything, I can create beauty.

Discipline yourself by challenging your negative thoughts. You don’t have to believe everything you think.

Grief

I had a friend who told me to get over the death of my sister. At the time, my immediate feeling was defence. I am over it, I thought. Later, I thought, is that something you get over? What happens when it's over? You're all of a sudden happy? But grief is more complicated than that. Grieving is lifelong but it transforms and it isn't always sad. Life will always go on. 

June

I watch the news headlines tick by on the local channel. They speak of hope and doom. The summer has arrived smelling like lilies and honeysuckles. June greets me with open arms: the sun in my face, something I take for granted. All the regulars show up at work. There's Adrienne and Percy, a father-daughter duo who are going to the fine art museum in Montreal. And the McCartney's fruit people, who give us blueberries and don't take menus. I bring them all to their usual tables.

A nine-year-old drowns at the beach and life just goes on. No matter how unfair life can seem, you find a way to muddle through it. We are all trying to cope and that includes me. You can't pretend that bad things don't happen but you can find ways to make the best of it. Maybe summer brings out a certain sense of optimism in me.