Emo girl

It makes me wanna cry so that's what I do. At least the music is blasting. It's only a few tears anyway. I'm in Barbie's Dreamhouse but being alone sometimes isn't so fun. The emo music blares on. It's not helping. The frustration and stress from work today slowly subsides. I wish a million different things. None of it comes true.

At least I live 5 minutes away from where I work. At least my bosses are women. At least I'm good at what I do and I love it. There are so many positive things about my life. I can't count them all.

Instead of crying I look at items in my place. Space-themed vinyl toy cats, fluffy slippers, a pink carpet with hearts. It all makes me suddenly calm. I wish u were here but I know I can't always get what I want.

Lindsay Clancy

She strangled her 3 children to death and was charged with 3 counts of murder in the US. After the murders, she attempted suicide by jumping out of a window and is paralyzed.

Sending her to jail is futile, ridiculous. She should not be held criminally responsible. She should be, in my opinion, institutionalized in the hospital.

After the birth of her third child, she asked for help from multiple healthcare providers stating suicidal ideations. Her defence is arguing she was suffering from postpartum psychosis. Where is the rehabilitation?

A shining example of a mental patient

"Kids" by MGMT plays on repeat. It reminds me of when I was 18. The fog is so thick you can't see the buildings. The street is half wet, creating swirling grey patterns in the concrete.

Last year, I started war at my workplace. Now there's beef. I tried to apologize 3 times but nothing works so I gave up. I don't go to work to make friends!

I asked my family doctor (not my psyche-doctor because I dislike him) if you can be rehabilitated from bipolar disorder i. He said no. Fine, I thought. For some reason, when it came out of his mouth, I accepted it.

The seasons are changing and nightfall comes faster. Winter has always inspired me.

Dammit

My ex, Matt, he’s a musician. So I told him to sing me some random song by Death Cab for Cutie but he sang me “Dammit” instead by Blink 182, one of my favourite songs, and in it, there’s cussing. I was wondering if he was going to say the lyric “fucked” and he did and it was cool. I don't think I ever heard the guy curse before. 😎

6:00 a.m.

At 6:00 a.m. the night starts to crack. The sky turns three shades lighter. I rarely watch movies anymore. I used to watch a lot of movies as a child. My girlfriends and I would go to the corner store and other video rental places to scoop up the best looking movies and get really into them.

Leg day is today, at 6:15 a.m. and it's my favourite day. It's September first, which is kinda pivotal if you ask me. It's about to be winter again. I'm ready. I love winter. I don't hate it.

Chelsea unblocked me so I creeped the shit out of her mostly private profile but it was nice to see her thriving and living her best life. That's an ex-best-friend of mine. We grew apart. It's Sunday morning and I'm at home and I've pulled my blinds down.

4

Life is so blessed. I've never felt better. I've never felt more confident and successful. I've worked for 4 years at the same restaurant on September 7th 2026. I'm proud.

I've been lifting for years now and it's starting to look like I have muscles. I flexed for my doctor yesterday. Between work and gym, there's no time for shitty relationships, friendships that don't inspire me and wasting my time.

I lick the fork, I wear the sparkles and I smile unapologetically these days. I am truly living my best life and I can't wait for the next 4 years.

Interaction

One time, a girl I went to middle school with came to my restaurant and I served her party. Her sister was there. Her sister asked what my sister was doing now because they used to be friends. I had to report to this table of 4 that my sister was dead now. I never saw them again. 

I think about this interaction now and it makes me sad. I had to tell this little girl the truth, though. Life hurts.

21

This August 2nd, it will be 21 years since my little sister Emma was killed in a car accident. I was in the car accident. My mom’s mom, my grandma, fell asleep at the wheel driving us home from the cottage and we smashed into another car driving in the opposite direction on the highway in Quebec.

My sister was a classic. She was really, really funny. We spent a lot of time at Chapters in our youth. I am thankful for having known her. She was 13.

One time, at work, my colleagues found out about her death. “I was born in 2005,” my co-worker said, “Maybe I’m her reincarnation!” It was the coolest thing anyone has ever said to me in regards to her death.

I like to think she haunts my restaurant. I think of my life. I am lucky to be alive. 🍀

Someday

Two houses, no people. My sheets smell like bleach. The least I can do is forget about you. I heard someone say, “I don’t date, I don’t do any of that.” And it becomes my mantra. 

Summers I’m most likely to think about my trauma. I think I’m healed. I don’t sit around crying anymore. I narrow my eyes. Or do I?

My to-do list includes working like a dog, changing into street clothes after my shift, and gazing into the infinite abyss as if this should all make sense to me someday.

If she fuck with me, she never fuck with you

How can there be justice for my friend Phil (Dip Black) who drowned? There can't be. Therein lies proof god doesn't fucking exist. That's some utter fucking bullshit, god. What a crock of shit, don't lie to my face. 

Redundant

I kinda realize now my last post was redundant. My doctor didn't need to see me this time around. I won't see him for months now, til next year probably. I think it was a scheduling error. I'm annoyed I can't think of something cool to write about.

My parents are going to the cottage which is in Quebec. I don't know when I'll see them next. I'm okay with this. I need some time alone anyway. I work 11 a.m. - 3 p.m. today. I'm lowkey excited. It's Monday.

Abilification

It's my day-off. It's Monday. It's supposed to feel like 40° today in Ottawa. I have an Abilify shot planned at 9:00 a.m. at Le Montfort and a pointless meeting with my psyche doctor after so he can inquire if I have shot meth in the last month. Which of course, I haven't.

He always asks stupid questions like if I eat and sleep. Of course I eat and sleep. When I did drugs, I didn't tell him I was doing drugs and no one knew. Now everyone knows I used to do drugs. I'm okay with it. I think you should be honest about who you are.

At work, 3 teenagers walked out on their $200 bill. I served them 4 apps, 7 Budweisers, 3 shots of vodka and 3 mains. They "went out for a smoke" and never came back. What an insulting, ragamuffin thing to do. I should have known better, coming from Dunn's Market Deli.

Oh, well. That's the name of the game, folks! Now to enjoy the freedom of not having to serve for at least 48 hours.

Been climbing up highway signs to paint on them and calling it heaven. Uneducated but well-read. Can take the worst of situations and turn them into glitter. Will fetch you things for money. I want to know the truth of why some things are the way they are and how they got that way.

🦋

I write for girls who can't write. Dead girls; tortured, abandoned girls. To the voiceless, for the misfits. I might never get anywhere past this blog. I don't care. Flowers grow in dirt.

Sky

5:30 a.m. and the sky is navy in colour. It reminds me of deep, dark waters where you can't see anything past the surface. Twinkling lights fill my window. At last, it's almost summer. It snowed for 6 months this year. All of a sudden, though, yesterday it was sunny and warm. I took off my winter jacket.

I got my summer tires put on my car, Blue. At The Great Canadian Oil Change, the worker recognized me from my job and asked if I worked there. Later, at my dad's bank, I went inside with him. The banker recognized me from my work, too! She even said it was I who had served her. I asked her how my service was. She said, "The best." I take great pride in what I do.

I went to dance class and scampered up the pole in plastic white heels. I drove through downtown Ottawa on my way to the bookstore. I will triumphantly return to the diner today, smiling and happy to be there.

What you can't stop

Light spills over everything. I notice the blue-grey morning sky, the dry cement. Snow melts, music poetically plays on. It rains for days. You can stop things: you can stop feeling, you can stop thinking but you can't stop the sun from rising.

Work

My work is endlessly blessed. 20 years in food service. At my spot for 4 years. I just love bragging about these things. I'm proud of myself. One shift, I couldn't stop crying at my tables. I was taking their order but tears were just pouring out of my eyes. My boss told me to clock out and go home, luckily the lunch-rush was over. I stood in the parking lot waiting for my dad to pick me up because I crashed my car into a sign that week and it was getting repaired. I cried and cried. I still work there. I still love it. I still stand up for what's right as I always have and no one can stop me. ✨

War

There's war. You should be sad. That's how I justify my own sadness. I'm sad for the world, a bleeding heart. More women should be in more powerful positions. I don't know how it's 2026 and there's still war, famine, poverty. It's sad. There's little to nothing I can do about the wars overseas. I'm usually good at accepting things I can't change.

Spring

The sun will rise at 7 a.m. Every day I check the time the sun will rise and anticipate it, looking out my window as if I'll see it soon.

This is the first summer in which I have cut off almost every girlfriend I had, always wishing they were someone else.

The season is about to change. My favourite time of the year: summer looking close and long. I hope it's hot, dry and sunny every day. I hope I work 30 hours a week and save every cent.

January thaw

I swear there's only two more months of winter left. My parents call it the January thaw. It's been raining and above 0 degrees the last few days. Canada gets less brutal. I stacked up a pile of zines that my friends made for me and put them in a pink crate at the end of my sofa for easy access. I purged the shit out of my place, giving Ginger 4 garbage bags full of clothing and shoes, bras and bathing suits. I like leaving and saying goodbye the best.

Blackness

I think I'm Black. If I were a Black girl, would I be Nigerian? Ethiopian? I choose Somali. That's my favourite African-American culture. Once, Rima told me a white guy asked her to dance at the bar and when she said no, he called her the n-word. So she got her cousin to stomp his face on the curb. 

Mantra

Self-care, focus and boundaries are my mantras for 2026.

Crime__view/Pineview

U smell like purple flowers. The ambulance is close-by. I pace the hallways of our haunted house and wonder, if this is the last time I'll see you alive, if I'll kill myself. Suddenly, Vanier seems scary and mean. Suddenly, I don't seem so tough. It's 11:30 pm at night, half an hour away from when we were supposed to start partying again, and you don't seem so alive. 

It's me who's different this year because my bf isn't here and I'm alone again. I think of his ex, somewhere in Blackburn, struggling without thinking about me or where he's touching me. She never has to be jealous again. I think about my belongings and how I own them now, how he could never give away my stuff again. I hope it's worth it. 

He chain-smoked. He smoked in my house. I told him we can't smoke in here but I opened the windows for him nonetheless, I let him do whatever he wanted to. I can't stop myself from thinking about him today on his deathaversary, like that, with his chain around his neck, dead.

Chief Keef

At Broadway, my old cook Georgie, this big, fat Black guy, used to play this song on repeat and make neighing horse noises at the hottest servers. It was not at me at the time. He’s dead now. What I remember about my dead ex-coworkers is that they were nothing short of hilarious.

2026

What changed? I'll tell you. I changed. I got smarter and faster this year. The first day of the year is today and I'm at work, serving the restaurant by myself. I'm pretty sure I was waitressing when you were born. I've never been more concerned with numbers, letters or words. I've never been more focused on myself and my career and my side-hustles and my businesses. The business of my body. Making it work for me.

2025

When you inhale purple, you know you can die. For his deathaversary, I put the pic of us kissing on NYE on my Instagram profile as if he were still here. As if he were still here and making fun of me and playing our tracks and I was still in love. I'm not this year. Despite the fact he abused me, despite the fact he said I was no legend, despite the fact that I was his girlfriend at the time and I chose him. I'm out here putting nothing but respect on his name.

Open the wounds

The first train leaves Blair at 5 am Monday morning, I can attest to this. I've been thinking about the id/ego and super-ego lately. I got all the dolls off Fakebook Marketplace. I wrote in my calendar, the start times at work, how much I made in tips that day and scrawled in the corners reasons to continue to live.

Photosynthesis

I was never invited to the basements or the graff jams where everyone was there, or maybe I was but I didn't go anyway. I never cared about the guys and their jawlines. I never cared about the hundreds of dollars I made on shift, it was about what was wrong and right. I could care less that I served him there, that he sat in their chairs and let me talk to him. He came enough times until I served him and then he was polite always but if you think I need this fucking diner then, bite me.

I could go back to my stage with my pole because I can't stomach it here. I can't live knowing what's wrong and right will never be corrected. That I won't ever get to be in charge of this shit because you guys already got enough managers. I need to talk to one more person about it, ask how happy they are, and shake the hands of my bosses.

This is about me pouring my blood, heart and soul into my work and getting jack all shit in return but a fucking bag of money. Love is torture.

The apathy is death’s work. 

Bring them to their knees

Bring them to their knees and make them suffer for all they have done to you.

Iker,

I did like you, okay? We kissed once, you were wearing a black shirt. If you see this, I miss you.

The difference is

I'm going to change. You're not going to.