Self-love

You can’t fake being healthy. Either you are or you are not. I’m bargaining with death again. I’m old now and you can see it in my face. Maybe I’m not that old but I’m not young anymore. 

The streets all stay the same but I don’t. It feels as though everything has changed. I am not the same girl, cluelessly chasing what I thought was love. I have higher standards now. I have inner peace.

Different things are important to me now. Instead of loving someone else, I love myself. That means more to me. 

Not everyone

It rained the day after what would have been Emma’s 32nd birthday. All day, the 24th, was sunny and hot. Her birthday was on a Saturday this year. 

I think there aren’t enough stories about women who save themselves. About strong mothers. About survivors. About women who don’t fall in love, get married and have babies. I think it should be less about love. Not everyone finds love. 

Help/save/fix

I tried my best but you can’t help, save or fix someone.

Abusive relationships: a theme

I don’t know how I ever got into an abusive relationship in the first place. Domestic violence was never prevalent in my home growing up. Guess the men I chose were scum.

Nico took cash from my wallet when I was sleeping. After that, Miguel tried to smother me with a pillow. He verbally and physically abused me. Even Jesse ripped a nightgown off of me and was also verbally abusive before he overdosed.

What I have to say is about it is that I’ve never been more prepared to deal with whatever comes my way next. I’ve never been stronger.

August

It’s dark at 8:45 pm and the mornings are cool.

Being human is disgusting but it’s also miraculous. It depends how you look at it. 

I work hard so that I’m true to myself. It doesn’t matter what anyone thinks of me, but the dialogue I have with myself does matter.

I skim through books on boundaries and assert mine when necessary this month.

I get enough food, sleep and exercise and this is what allows me to be content. It’s not about what you do, but your attitude about why you do it.