I did it for my art

You could chalk it up to me being fucked up over my childhood. I did it for my art, though. I wanted to pick at the dark recesses of other’s sick minds. I did it to write about it. So I’d know what it was like: what it felt like, what it looked like. Looking in the scariest places of the city I found what I wasn’t looking for. Death, drugs, pain, loss. I knew what I was doing.

This does not bode well. With you, not talking to me, and me just talking to myself. 

Thoughts after work

I come home from work. I put on my favourite playlist, my favourite clothes. I think this is the way you're supposed to live your life. I pretend I'm elsewhere but everything stays the same. I don't know if minutes mean anything but many pass me by. I let the beat play over the thoughts in my mind because I don't want to think them. Instead I think about hustling breakfast plates. It is engrained in my fibre to work, I was raised this way. I don't know what I'd do without it.

I used to be friends with people who didn’t have jobs. I used to not have a job. I hated it. Something about memorization, rhythm, money. Something about having somewhere to go. It gives me purpose. 

35 in 2025

I let people push me around. I sacrificed happiness for the sake of others. I let people walk all over me, use me even. I don’t know why and I have no explanation. I was young. I was impressionable and feeble-minded. I would never let this happen again. I stand my ground now. I’ve matured and grown up. I’m 35 almost. I’ll be styling by the time I’m 40. I wonder what the world has yet to show me.

Asexuality

In the last 24 hours, two men have told me they “need a girlfriend.” If there’s anyone who doesn’t need a partner, it’s me. In fact, the very idea turns me off. I am a sex-repulsed asexual. I have always been this way. The world is so hyper-sexualized. It's gross, to me.

Asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction to others. There are asexuals who are indifferent to sex and don’t mind it, and then there’s me: someone who is repulsed by the idea of sex.

I like to be left alone. Thanks in advance.

Reap what you sow

There are things you should know about me, like that my sister died. And there are things you may have gathered about me, from reading my work, like how I love my job no matter what. I don't want to forget about her. It moulded me, her death. It made me who I am today. Without having known Emma, I might be half as compassionate as I am now. And I'm not that compassionate to begin with. I believe people reap what they sow.

Upcoming months

Oh my god, winter is soon. I love winter. I love the seasons. I love the way the air changes, the way the setting changes. I can't wait for the snow and cold. The trees look infinitely prettier, in my opinion, when they're covered in white snow. The winter means my birthday, Christmas, New Years. This year it'll be 2025, which is huge. I'll be turning 35 on December 2nd.

I can't wait.

Restaurant

2 years ago today I got hired at my present job. I work today. I sat at table 18 for my interview. I didn’t get hired on the spot. I didn’t get a call-back. I e-mailed them a follow-up, and she hired me.

There are so many powerful, strong women I work for now. I am so beyond blessed to get to work for them. I am in awe at their compassion, their tenacity.

Thanks. Just thanks. If you’re reading this: thank you.

This is the longest I have worked at a real restaurant. Technically, my longest restaurant job was at A&W and I worked there for 3 years. But this is going on forever.

September

It’s September which means back-to-school and orange and red leaves. Work dies down. My intentions for fall are to spend more time alone and save more money. My friend does full moon rituals. We carve out our manifestations on a page and light candles during them.