Jesse

I crushed on him for 10 years before we dated for real. I met him in 2011, we dated in 2021. He was Chelsea’s roommate. Chelsea was my friend from elementary school, my drinking buddy. We knew each other in grade 5. He was dating a girl at the time when I met him. I don’t want to mention her name. 

Things Jesse taught me:

1. Don’t spit on the ground
2. Don’t put up with bullies

It is important to note he was obsessed with me. Once, I left him, because he was still dating what’s-her-face, and he said, later, “I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. I knew you would come back to me.”

I have never been more in love with anyone and it absolutely devastated me when Jesse died. I miss him. All my old poetry is about him. He called me his North Star once and I wrote it into a poem.

Months/days/years

I have a perpetual calendar with little blocks that have numbers and months on them. Some days, the numbers feel like they stay there forever. Sometimes, I miss the days. When I put the proper date on my calendar, I know things are in place. Today, I stare at the 13 for what seems like a month. The time is just passing slowly.  Summertime has a way of making time slow down.

20 years later...

The truth is, 20 years later you'll cry just as hard as you did when it first happened if it was really that tragic to you.

Friendship

You cannot take away from other people because you think your problems are worse.

Things I learned about ending a 15-year-long friendship:

1. You need time alone to grow

2. Being honest with yourself is important

3. It’s okay to feel a little sad about this chapter in your life ending

4. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries

5. People can have their opinions but you know how you feel