Debts and regrets

I did a lot of dumb things. I did drugs, stole, tased someone, I smoked in my apartment. I never considered myself dumb, just misguided. I guess I was seeking attention. Risk-taking behaviour. I was trying to escape from a life I didn’t like. I had no reason not to like it. In fact, it was selfish and ungrateful of me. I realize that all now. Mistakes are to be made. 

I guess that’s the interesting part about life. You can alter aspects of it to better yourself. Or you can destroy it. The choice is yours. Maybe the reason I didn’t like my life was because of what I was doing. Vicious cycle-like. I’m different now, though. Everything is different. That was all years ago and I’ve paid my dues. I had to find out, for some reason, what it was like to do all that. Honestly, I’m just happy to be alive.

Growing up

It’s raining today and the air is thick and dark. It’s morning, of course I’m up. The year is mostly over. I lost a few friends this year. I can’t help but reflect. Friends always come and go, I’m used to that by now.

The tables get flipped as fast as we clean them. You know how this works. By now, I’ve learned so many lessons the hard way. It only strengthened me. I came so far. The work I put in paid off. I’m 33 years old. And finally growing up. 

It’s weird because in school, I was smart. Somehow sadness took over that. Sadness has a way of taking over things. 

Vanier

I purposely don’t come to this part of town anymore. It’s not that the sidewalk’s cracked or that there are shadows of things I can’t explain in corners, but the memories that flood through my brain when I cross these streets. 

I never thought I’d get to experience some of the things I did. It was passion and loss. What I remember about being in love is that it was frustrating. I’m not in love anymore. I stopped writing love poems and started writing about being alone. 

I also stopped looking for happiness provided by another human being and it changed me. I was no longer seeking acceptance. I turned my back on my old life and as I walked away, I could feel that what was next was even better. 

The end of summer

The crickets are louder this year, no one knows why. As summer flies through the city, I work. A nearby conversation I overhear reminds me of the word "spinster" and this becomes what I call myself. The older you get, the smarter you are. People's tricks become easier to navigate. Maybe things hadn't fallen into place, but they were closer to it. 

The end of the summer always reminds you of crunchy orange leaves and snowstorms, but maybe this winter wouldn't be that bad. Besides, I was getting used to the frigid cold, the slippery ice and digging the car out of its parking space. Life's all about acceptance.

The watch on my wrist tells me the time but mostly I ignore it and as the daylight hours shorten, I kiss the sun goodbye.