January thaw

I swear there's only two more months left of winter left. My parents call it the January thaw. It's been raining and above 0 degrees the last few days. Canada gets less brutal. I stacked up a pile of zines that my friends made for me and put them in a pink crate at the end of my sofa for easy access. I purged the shit out of my place, giving Ginger 4 garbage bags full of clothing and shoes, bras and bathing suits. I like leaving and saying goodbye the best.

Blackness

I think I'm Black. If I were a Black girl, would I be Nigerian? Ethiopian? I choose Somali. That's my favourite African-American culture. Once, Rima told me a white guy asked her to dance at the bar and when she said no, he called her the n-word. So she got her cousin to stomp his face on the curb. 

Mantra

Self-care, focus and boundaries are my mantras for 2026.

Crime__view/Pineview

U smell like purple flowers. The ambulance is close-by. I pace the hallways of our haunted house and wonder, if this is the last time I'll see you alive, if I'll kill myself. Suddenly, Vanier seems scary and mean. Suddenly, I don't seem so tough. It's 11:30 pm at night, half an hour away from when we were supposed to start partying again, and you don't seem so alive. 

It's me who's different this year because my bf isn't here and I'm alone again. I think of his ex, somewhere in Blackburn, struggling without thinking about me or where he's touching me. She never has to be jealous again. I think about my belongings and how I own them now, how he could never give away my stuff again. I hope it's worth it. 

He chain-smoked. He smoked in my house. I told him we can't smoke in here but I opened the windows for him nonetheless, I let him do whatever he wanted to. I can't stop myself from thinking about him today on his deathaversary, like that, with his chain around his neck, dead.

Chief Keef

At Broadway, my old cook Georgie, this big, fat Black guy, used to play this song on repeat and make neighing horse noises at the hottest servers. It was not at me at the time. He’s dead now. What I remember about my dead ex-coworkers is that they were nothing short of hilarious.

2026

What changed? I'll tell you. I changed. I got smarter and faster this year. The first day of the year is today and I'm at work, serving the restaurant by myself. I'm pretty sure I was waitressing when you were born. I've never been more concerned with numbers, letters or words. I've never been more focused on myself and my career and my side-hustles and my businesses. The business of my body. Making it work for me.

2025

When you inhale purple, you know you can die. For his deathaversary, I put the pic of us kissing on NYE on my Instagram profile as if he were still here. As if he were still here and making fun of me and playing our tracks and I was still in love. I'm not this year. Despite the fact he abused me, despite the fact he said I was no legend, despite the fact that I was his girlfriend at the time and I chose him. I'm out here putting nothing but respect on his name.

Open the wounds

The first train leaves Blair at 5 am Monday morning, I can attest to this. I've been thinking about the id/ego and super-ego lately. I got all the dolls off Fakebook Marketplace. I wrote in my calendar, the start times at work, how much I made in tips that day and scrawled in the corners reasons to continue to live.

Photosynthesis

I was never invited to the basements or the graff jams where everyone was there, or maybe I was but I didn't go anyway. I never cared about the guys and their jawlines. I never cared about the hundreds of dollars I made on shift, it was about what was wrong and right. I could care less that I served him there, that he sat in their chairs and let me talk to him. He came enough times until I served him and then he was polite always but if you think I need this fucking diner then, bite me.

I could go back to my stage with my pole because I can't stomach it here. I can't live knowing what's wrong and right will never be corrected. That I won't ever get to be in charge of this shit because you guys already got enough managers. I need to talk to one more person about it, ask how happy they are, and shake the hands of my bosses.

This is about me pouring my blood, heart and soul into my work and getting jack all shit in return but a fucking bag of money. Love is torture.

The apathy is death’s work. 

Bring them to their knees

Bring them to their knees and make them suffer for all they have done to you.

Iker,

I did like you, okay? We kissed once, you were wearing a black shirt. If you see this, I miss you.

The difference is

I'm going to change. You're not going to.

Thieves

When I'm alone in my room all I can think about is the injustice. Like how people drown because they don't know how to swim. I can't read your mind but I know what you are thinking. It's funny how each day goes from being sunny to cloudy to raining. What's not funny is my reputation. 

They’re going to prey on you. Until you are weak in the knees, your eyes hurt, and it’s over. That’s what being a girl is like.

Sometimes I spot the cops or ambulances out the window with their sirens blaring, lights flashing. Today I vow to say hello to everyone in the kitchen. It's Friday. In preparation for my staff Xmas party, I will be getting Polaroid film and pre-rolls.

Trust equals love 9/13/21 10:08 AM

"I almost passed out at the gas station today. Ginger, Jesse and I are at The Zoo and he’s putting the legs on the couch right now.

Got two gs. I can’t be passing out in random places. They’re going to send me back to the psyche-ward.

We got purple and Jesse overdosed. There are 6 ambulance people in my apartment. Spent 3 hours at the hospital and then we left. I fucking hate doctors."

The Zoo was 200 Somerset Street West at Elgin. This is the overdose he survived. All I remember was that I slept beside him when we were there, in a single bed. And then we left and no one said a thing when we left. We just walked out. It was at Le Montfort.

Jesse

Jesse picked a fight with me the night before Black Friday in 2021. I remember because I called in sick to Best Buy on Black Friday and got fired.

He said I was "No graffiti legend," and he just kept saying it over and over again, calling me a "stupid slut". Who said I was a legend to him? I never once claimed to be legendary. I found out later he was mad because we did too much drugs.

The truth is, I am a fucking graffiti legend. Here's his playlist:

Buying a domain and redirecting it to my blog was the coolest thing I did this year. I also just hooked up Jesse's mom with Amanda's mom for them to deal in cigarettes. That was pretty fucking cool, too.

The year is almost over and I've definitely lost a few friends this year, even though I thought I lost them last year.

I learned a lot. I became slightly more independent.

Snow

It snowed. Outside looks magical.

Crying

You are able to stop yourself from crying because you think, "You have cried enough."

Things they don't write down about death:

1. The crying gets less severe over time
2. Christmas will be happy again one day
3. The missing part might last forever but the sadness does not